I am waiting in the computer lab next to my Spanish class until it is at least 9:20 in the morning because my class doesn't start until 9:30. I just got here insanely early because I was rushing around my room as if I didn't have any time. It sure feels like that, though; like there is no more time anymore. We are all rushing around trying to do a million things per minute and nothing gets done.

The year is wrapping up. My dorm room is emptying quickly. I'm packing up and heading out today, spending a few days at home, coming back by Thursday, taking four tests, and leaving by Tuesday afternoon. It's crazy to think that my Freshmen year is almost over, but it is more crazy to think that time will come back to me when it is done. It won't. I have to get a job, I have to do chores, there are trips, friends, boyfriend, and a bunch of other things that will continue to take up time--most of them more enjoyable than school and work however.

It is just strange to think that from here on in--for the rest of my life--time is not present in my life, but rather, the lack of time.

I guess this turned into something with content. I didn't think I would have the time...
8:amused 8:sounds of a college computer lab: silence

Have you ever had a day when things just felt surreal? Things don't feel like normal and you feel like you're constantly falling all day--for no reason. Today is one of those days. I just feel like I'm walking around in this box where nothing feels like it normally does and I am wandering aimlessly, hopelessly--no goals. I know this is just a random feeling; there is no reason for it, but I feel it. It's weird.

I just feel detatched and mellow. I guess it's not a bad feeling, just different and irritating because it is nice out and everyone around me is happy and I am just kind of here.

My mind has been filled with a lot of thoughts about my future lately. I don't know why that is, maybe because it is getting closer to that point in my life where my future becomes my past. I mean, in ten years I'll be nearing thirty. That is not far away. It's quite scary to think that in only ten years I will have a job, hopefully a husband and a family. Frightning. So contemplating my future is okay, I hope because I have been doing an awful lot of it.

It gives me something nice to think about, and instills enough fear in me to where I want slack off in life--not that I planned to anyway.

And with that, it is time to slack off, because there is nothing better to do...
8:contemplative 8:Right on Time -- IY

I never really looked back on my life these past few years until tonight when my past came back to me again. One of my best friends--my ex boyfriend, my first "love", five years of my life filled with him--left for the Navy this year. Now when he left, we were where we are now: confessions of my feeling had been said to him, we became best friends, and no romance involved like I had felt for the five years prior. I was in a relationship and he was finding one for himself. He called me tonight, after not seeing him or talking to him for months. We were still the same perfection we were when he left, but talking to him again allowed me to remember how my life was when he was a part of my heart in the way he was.

It wasn't always good. I was young, we were young. I mean our relationship was ninth grade and than until now--when I found true love and know what it really feels like--I thought he was my love. But ten months ended and it was over as quick as it came. I remember all the pain I felt than and the few years after until moving on. And moving on was the best thing I had ever done because it brought us closer.

I like reflecting on things like that. I like watching my life progress (or in some cases degress--depending on the day of course). In the case of my ex-boyfriend: progress. I always said I would have rather have been his friend than girlfriend, and now I have that. He is my closest guy friend that I am not intimate with (and I have to throw that in because I am experiencing something completely new to me that I have never felt before) and I love being his best friend more than I ever loved being his girlfriend.

And this new experience? I am experiencing true love. A completely different kind of love. I met my boyfriend, Dustin, in October. He caught me at a weird time in my life: a transition period. A time when I was lost because I had no one, a time when I was depressed because I was changing my life without the guideance of a father (who passed away three years ago), and I was ecstatic because I had moved on from my ex, finally, who had become my best friend. Dustin found me at this time when I had no idea what to do with myself. It sounds cliche, but he saved me. I will tell you that right now.

It has been a little over six months with him and I have never experienced anything like this before. I can finally say, honestly, that I have been in love. What we have is love and it is so much more. I say my ex-boyfriend, who will finally have his name mentioned: Justin, is my best guy friend that I am not intimate with because Dustin is my best guy friend; simply, he is my best friend. Our relationship has evolved to the point where he is my love, my life, my friend; and I have never been happier.

There are so many things about him that I admire. The thing that strikes me--more as a psychology major than anything else--is the fact that he has many qualities that my father had. He is funny, witty, smart, sweet--there have been countless times where he has done things or said things my father had to my mother--and so many more qualities. I look at Dustin and I see everything I look for in a guy; and I see those things I look for in myself--the things I lack. We balance each other out. We fit perfectly--like puzzle pieces from the clay. I feel so lucky to have him; though, at the same time, having him makes me look back on more things and this is where my sadness still comes back to me.

When I think about Dustin, I think of my father. I wish so badly that he could be here to see everything my life has been through, is going through, and will go through. I want him to meet Dustin because I see a future with Dustin, however long it may be. Dustin is such an important part in my life and I wish so bad that my father could have just met him, if only once.

Being in college really opened my emotions up to this feeling of needing my father. I've begun passing milestones in life without him. My first year of college is nearing an end and he isn't here to witness this. I've made new friends--best friends that will be with me for life--at college and he isn't here to be proud. I am in love without him, and that leads me to think about marrying without a father to hand me off to whoever may take me into their life with them.

I know my father is with me in spirit, but spirit is not the same as physical presence. A lot of my issues with my father stem from when he was sick. There are a lot of regrets I have about how I delt with things--I was only sixteen (though it shouldn't be an excuse)--and when he died, I never really got to say a true goodbye. It kills me inside and I long to be over it, but it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I know that; and I am prepared for it.

All of this doesn't end the sadness I feel when I think about my father. He was an amazing man and a huge influence into my life; I am my fathers daughter. I plan on being his daughter until the day I die. I will sing his songs, write his stories, and read his books until I can no longer breath; I will continue his legacy through me for as long as I can.

In writing this, I realize that there have been three men who have influenced my life more than I thought possible; they have all been mentioned in this entry. Justin influenced my past; he taught me life lessions about forgiving and forgetting, moving on, heartache as well as loyalty, friendship, and laughter. Dustin is my present, and, what I am confident in saying, my future. He has taught me love, life, how to understand other people, a new way of living and looking at life and so much more that I cannot even describe because he has also taught me what it means to be giddy and filled with mush. My father: my past, my present, and my future. He is the greatest influence in my life because he taught me to be me.

These men will forever be in my life and my heart and I know that I would not be here now, writing this and breathing this air, without them.

This is me: a product of the influential in my life.

This is my journal and this is only the beginning.
8:emotional 8:Lonesome Road -- One Big Hat